Gardening way past dusk tonight, obsessively hacking away at plants that I haphazardly tossed into soil years ago, that grew into a monster, vines that overpowered, that hid layers of dusty dead things, nests long abandoned, intricate straw destruction twisted up under the roof, all hidden behind new growth. The new growing on top of the old, pretty bells of blue and violet that bloomed year-round like presents, changing color like mood rings.
Years of forward motion meant tending to my garden got pushed aside. These plants darkened the room that I spend most of my time in when not on the road, my editing cave. I conjured something and it overtook certain aspects of my life…
For the past six months I have consciously and successfully changed the pace of my life, taking a break from travel, spending more time with people I love, making space… to stop chasing opportunities and let the momentum take over, to trust that it was time to step back a bit. My goal was balance, time for introspection, feeling ‘caught up’ & ready for new expression…. and while some of that has happened, there is a lot within and around me that needs to evolve. I have been feeling stifled lately, ready to discard some habits, excuses & core-adjacent layers.
Three days ago I announced “Today’s the day” to my love, who long ago warned me to be cautious of what I plant and where, often reminding me I would one day have to deal with it, leaving me to reckon with the task that was mine alone. A 2 feet deep by 7 feet tall wall of avoidance…. I’ve stared in wonder at birds, bats, lizards and hummingbirds mysteriously ebbing and flowing in the mess of these vines for years. The sunrise cacophony of birdsong that used to be outside my editing cave recently moved to another part of the garden. Just darkness and silence in this thick wall of my own making. It had to go. Tools, ladders, sweat, spiders and roots… banishing it all.
There is a direct correlation between the state of my garden and the health of my business and inner world. There are things within me that I’ve been avoiding hacking away at. The headspace I enter when I make my art needs to soften. I’m not sure if this is possible but I want to try… I let the urgency of a moment overcome me. I care too much… I disappear. I lose my words. I go into a different part of my brain that doesn’t communicate as well as I wish I could.
A camera in my hand is an intoxicating & transporting experience, another realm, a sacred secret extension of how I experience the world, people, an event. I often get flickers of the photo before I press the shutter. It can feel like a scavenger hunt or a lottery ticket. It’s a blazing intuitive world that only makes sense to others after the editing process. It is pure passion, the ultimate obsession, my life force flexing….
I have raging bluebells within me that attract the loveliest hummingbirds…. and I also have twisting nonsensical vines that threaten rooftops. These past few days of taking down this untamed wall has been a therapeutic experience. My cave is now a bright polished new thing and I am committed to doing the work within, ready to renew and replant…