i need very little in this life… mostly space, time, love and inspiration. i’ve forced myself awake and now further away from patterns, expectancy. i am in new terrain, manuals thrown out speeding windows. in recent months, i exist between knowing i need solitude to conjure the next steps and bouncing back into the world, riding the success of what i’ve built up in these 8 years. to take hold of this bright photography comet or to await a new spaceship. i will decide by december.
i have had no sufficient inner quiet, no huge chunks of calm. i’ve been on the road since the springtime, most days of home spent editing, preparing for the next tour. my life is creative triage. these are not complaints, just rampant curious sleeve-tuggers constantly whispering like gnomes in my ear “…there is more…” more to share with the world, more to experience, affect, explore.
i crave a different mode of expression, pulling from my 6-year-old self, journaling obsessively about soccer games and how my sisters are afraid of my pet spider ‘franky’. pulling from my 18 year old self, video camera in hand everywhere i go, making music videos in my head by blinking and opening my eyes somewhere new, fully aware of time slipping away, fearful of not remembering. writing and filmmaking are sleeping giants within me, one eye now open….
and i have no one to talk to about this. no one to say ‘you know what you should do…’ this is Life Work. and i know better than to ask outwardly what to do and when….but it’s begun, the beat that wants me to change it up, test it out, jump in. why such hesitancy? i notice many others in similar situations, that seem to be enduring either financial issues or disingenuine aspects. the woman who does intimacy coaching yet has an abusive lover. the artist that preaches gratitude yet runs hot & cold to those closest to her. or the dreamers that just dream, putting no emphasis on Action. what right do i have to ask for more…?
i am mentoring 15 photographers right now and yet i feel i know nothing. i listen, i give advice, help with contracts & share how i run my business but i have no one to ask what to do with my own life….i crave honesty, energy and connection. i want someone to be strong with me, tell me how it really is. but at the end of the day, it’s just me, my perception, my legacy, my choices, path, direction and intention. i refuse to be a victim of too many choices.
i can be a writer.
i can be a filmmaker and
i can continue to be a photographer.
i just want one to scream out louder than the others right now. i want to believe i can do it. do i stay with what is safe & effective…? or do i branch out?
my spirit is a winter cocoon, coiled and waiting for the blazing sign. i will decide by december…