Monthly Archives: February 2009

retreating from perceptions

in public i am a photographer; in private i am at home capturing the same energy with words. of late, they have been for me, just for me, not for those that look to decipher, caution or elevate. i have taken time, months… to retreat from perceptions…. i garden… i plant seeds…and weed… and move earth around… i wear a red wide-brimmed hat… i faun over my puppy, now 6 months old. the love i feel for her is unmatched. we lie on the floor sometimes and just stare at each other… i promise to protect her… i am alive in her contentment, in her discovery. she makes me new.

strider ignites me in such a way that i grab the nearest notepad and run onto his pillow. he tells me this is the moment. my work is in print, a book he designed. i have a book…. and it is my work… but i am just a factory, he is the sieve. i churn out, search and capture… and bounce through the next moment… he pulls out pearls of pearls and makes a book of it, with overtures to gallery owners and plans beyond plans, believing in me more than i believe in myself. the colors, the quality, the alignment, the biography that we worked on late one night emailing from different rooms… it is done…

yesterday i spent the day with jason and we somehow found ourselves at the threshold of the creaky pages of my oldest box of journals. self awareness and despair, mortality and angst, such emotion born of awakenings, experiences… and jason sat wide-eyed on the floor of my closet as i read aloud my life’s doubts and lessons of overcoming them… and he told me that i have dampened my magickal self since then… that i have delved too deep into nurturing that i have become distracted… and then he left for brazil… he may not return… he left his guitars here with me… everyone is on their journey but i am content now… i have already traversed the world, i have sought and fought and unearthed and celebrated… i will be here when he returns…

2008 was my year of reevaluation, redirection, protection… who are my real friends? who loves me when my camera is not by my side? who inspires me? who lives up to their true self? who do i love? who ignites, propels and revisits me with things to share? always, always there is brady, and my sister… and jen, danny, shayde… and my father… and strider… the people who really know me…

i stare at candle-lit latches of an old trunk in wonder… life has become more decision vs stagnancy; concise direction seems problematic… my faerie heart rages, loves so many, so powerfully, if only to exist in love and inspiration.. but there is worry now… erratic concern of things i cannot change…