Monthly Archives: January 2008

lost in rainbows…

7am – a rainbow at the foot of my mountain… and it doesn’t fade… the longer i stare at it, i expect it to turn mirage… just past dawn as i turn a corner and i gasp and i pull over and fall over the steering wheel unable to turn away… i follow it up high where it tapes off into the never-here and follow it back down in awe… its colors bleed together in this full spectrum morning, determined to feel better in all ways by lying near the ocean, collected and then off to my aunt’s beach house in venice… men in suits in expensive cars dart around me erratic, to be first, to win their prize. i am still lost in this rainbow….

tonight david j takes me out to a show…. not to shoot, just to be… i wish all invitations were like this…

3am – emergency room

temporary relief as we debate the lyrics for peter gabriel’s sledgehammer, talking of dreaming and staring at his eyes as i turn away from the needle. extreme stomach pain that comes in waves, nausea, all of it worse than before. brady leans against a wall and dreams, mouth agape, arms folded. he works so hard, all day and night, that i feel just horrible for putting him through this. i offer to take a cab home. he’ll hear none if it. blood on steel, none of it mine… a toothless doctor peering down over me, his big belly between us. red biohazard bins, partitions with wrinkled horizontal patterms that bring on more nausea.

blood tests, urine tests, an ultrasound, i shrink down with the threat of an IV and an endoscopy. i just want to feel better…. i poke at parts of me. my wrists are like birds. brady says i’m tiny. there are acidic symphonies happening within me. i want the pain to stop. i don’t even want chocolate cake…

healing

listening to heavy rain… peeling sweet potatoes in silence… i spend hours at whole foods now. i walk the aisles and study things. i read about all the grains, about himalayan sea salt and quinoa. i do research on peptic ulcers online. friends send me helpful advice… but it is dr. cory’s regimen that i am sticking to… any waivering of it and i’m doubled over in pain, as was the case today when i had some food i shouldn’t have and spent most of the day in bed. she sends me recipes… i follow them… i cook now. i buy fennel and licorice root. i must puree all my food like a baby. there’s a hole in my stomach that acts as a gateway to my entire person and i must fix it… and soon… i’ve lost weight. i’m 107 pounds now. maybe it’s good this happened… so now i learn more about alternative foods and teas… perhaps a lifestyle change… all things for a reason…

diagnosis: an ulcer

i have never been so ill as i have these past 6 days. instead of resting and excitedly getting ready for a new year’s eve party last night, i spent most of the day in emergency care here in san francisco. they diagnosed me with a peptic ulcer. “but i’m not stressed!” i protested. “yeah, quite the opposite!” brady chimed in, both of us astonished at this diagnosis. the doctor said it is caused by a bacterial infection.

i’ve been coughing for months and in recent days immobilized by sharp acid pain in my stomach. days and nights of no relief despite various medicines. laying down, standing up, no relief. it was maddening. and then my joints seized up and every inch of me hurt and that lasted 24 hours, ending with me sweating and shaking. i can’t eat. i can’t sleep but i am always tired now… and i’m so sad because the beautifully romantic weekend we had planned in redwoods turned into pills, potions and insurance speak. brady is an angel though… so caring and concerned. there was no heat in the waiting room and he wrapped a towel around my legs. among my nocturnal twisting and whimpering his voice is the calm love i need. he’s just amazing…. not a day goes by, not an hour, that i don’t realize how lucky i am to be with this man…

i am worried on issues of my human suit here…. i never get sick, not like this. to be a slave to my body last night while everyone was celebrating was torture for me. i’m a faerie, i belong in motion…. i belong in love and celebration…. someone hugged me too tight last night and i threw up. i drank water, i threw up. someone kicked a drink on me as i was trying to hide and i was in too much pain to move over. my mantra of ‘mind over matter’ was failing and we ended up leaving the party early.

happy to see friends i haven’t seen in so long…. what they must think of my life now… how available i used to be…. how i used to have time for a coffee…. how i used to help run their myspace or have business meetings in hot tubs and talk all kinds of hypothetical world domination… now my focus is a bit more narrow. parts of me go missing sometimes… the quiet gathered parts, the introspective parts… running a business is hard… there are orbs in airs all the time, ways and systems i’ve begun that are now fluid but time-consuming. i have to say no often now, more than i say yes. i miss soft open corners. wine and hammocks and the want of nowhere but there. i consume myself with mountains, reveling in the climb….

the highlight of my night last night was watching brady beaming on stage in his sharp tailored purple suit jacket, as he played with one of his idols, angelo from fishbone. it ignited me to crawl on stage and capture more of the story. at midnight we kissed on stage behind his drumkit.

music, art, friends and love… no where else i’d rather bring in the new year. seven days of antibiotics and hopefully some ceasing of this ailment and i look forward to jumping into it…. for now, my reality is the sun coming up thru the victorian windows, listening to my lover’s breath, fearing the drive home and afraid of food…