i was very serious back then…. i wore black velvet, patent leather combat boots and spoke little.. i existed inside my journals and under headphones…i walked thru new york city always in a music video, moving my eyes on the beat, feigning dissolves and cuts behind the sunglasses that i wore to hide. i had a tarantula that i called ‘imagination’. my roommates were afraid of me. i painted with blood and wax. i had intense lovers. i watched life happening around me… i was a spectator… if only i knew then about adversity as learning…. i would have spared myself the lonliness i felt. i would have taken my sunglasses off and let the snow burn my eyes… i would have been more patient, knowing my river was yet to come….
before i left, i took the director by the arm and told him about my life now… and i thanked him… in 1992, reeves had accepted me into the film program two weeks before the semester was to begin… he made an exception, i made a life…. i had made a music video and sat in his office demanding he play it and accept me to the program… and he did… and it all started from there… in college, i would fall asleep in the editing rooms, awaking to the indent of grassvalley keys into my cheek… the boys in the film department heckled me and in productions, have me hold a light or stand there…. ‘fuck you, i want to be a director’ i would say and when i graduated i won 2 dusty awards and i said it again under my breath as i took to the stage to accept them. i told all this to reeves and he smiled and said he was proud of me… i haven’t even begun my film career for real yet… and my writing career…. i’ll know when it’s time…. nights like these are wonderful reminders….