Monthly Archives: November 2007

college reunion

late night, sunset strip~ it’s been twelve years since i graduated from the school of visual arts. the clash plays overhead and a woman stops me, remembering my thesis film, but not my name… which made my day…. my film was called ‘fainting in coils’, a line from alice in wonderland. it was based on the dreams and nightmares of children…

i was very serious back then…. i wore black velvet, patent leather combat boots and spoke little.. i existed inside my journals and under headphones…i walked thru new york city always in a music video, moving my eyes on the beat, feigning dissolves and cuts behind the sunglasses that i wore to hide. i had a tarantula that i called ‘imagination’. my roommates were afraid of me. i painted with blood and wax. i had intense lovers. i watched life happening around me… i was a spectator… if only i knew then about adversity as learning…. i would have spared myself the lonliness i felt. i would have taken my sunglasses off and let the snow burn my eyes… i would have been more patient, knowing my river was yet to come….

before i left, i took the director by the arm and told him about my life now… and i thanked him… in 1992, reeves had accepted me into the film program two weeks before the semester was to begin… he made an exception, i made a life…. i had made a music video and sat in his office demanding he play it and accept me to the program… and he did… and it all started from there… in college, i would fall asleep in the editing rooms, awaking to the indent of grassvalley keys into my cheek… the boys in the film department heckled me and in productions, have me hold a light or stand there…. ‘fuck you, i want to be a director’ i would say and when i graduated i won 2 dusty awards and i said it again under my breath as i took to the stage to accept them. i told all this to reeves and he smiled and said he was proud of me… i haven’t even begun my film career for real yet… and my writing career…. i’ll know when it’s time…. nights like these are wonderful reminders….

high after a shoot in torrey pines

high after a shoot in torrey pines on the beach near san diego at sunset. i needed to get out of the studio. i needed to kiss jen’s growing belly. i needed the sea…. the last image of the last shoot today is forever burned into memory.

“it’s mists of avalon!” i tell the band, relieved that they know what i was going for. the colors happened, they came on us like magick. a fire ignited within me as the sky got more saturated in hues and shadows. speech left and urgent gestures replaced it. screaming over crashing waves “violin out” “abandon” “joy” was all i could muster and when it was over, we just laughed…. they drove me back to encinitas and i was vibrating, satiated….

photography is sometimes sexual… a blissful, chaotic passion where universes build and burst. the searching, the testing… it is always new, always challenging. the desire to thrill and be thrilled. i live for this energy… for colors brimming to morph into memory… i live for this….

and i’m on the train back home now and there is sand on my kneecaps, pebbles in soggy shoes. i check and recheck my gear. i now have three camera bodies. i pack lenses based on the shoots. i have lights and back-up lights. i keep gear and background rolls next to my bed. i sleep between lovers…. i am obsessed…. i want everyone to shine….