Monthly Archives: June 2007

camera eye, comfort and abandon

when my camera is with me, there’s a tendency to get lost in someone else’s moment, to feel as if i’ve disappeared. it’s a shift, a shadow, a sliding door. it is camera eye, the place i exist in more often than my physical person.

i am not safe there anymore due to people constantly turning their cameras on me without asking, posting images of me publicly that do not resonate with how i feel, that do not compliment, that often are not even in focus…. it is becoming increasingly intrusive. it is unwelcome. it takes me out of my headspace. it is causing me to decline work at events, to insist on closed-door policies during photo shoots. when i started my business, my intention and promise was that no matter how it grew, that the focus would always remain on those who chose to be in front of my lens, masked characters as subjects in my books… their talents, their performance, their story, their outward wish of capture… not on me myself.

my initial intention, born of protection, based on a glimpse of what was to come, was for a distinct separation between what i do and who i am, of which almost immediately got blurred as things took off… confusion has set in… and with it, a growing feeling of self-protection and desire to disappear when i work, to take myself out of the equation…

i do not want my photograph taken without being asked… i feel a reoccurring, odd emotion of anger as it happens, as if i am there for capture, there and willing. i am not. i do not like it.

at events, when i raise my lens there is always a moment of permission asked. eyes are met and they either sparkle and welcome me, or they are evasive and unreadable. if i do not have this psychic consent i will not take their photo. respect and will above all. dance floors are the exception. when the level of expression is heightened, music moving spirit is permission enough. when i skulk in dance hall shadows, i look for the currents of beauty, comfort and abandon, the ripples that say ‘yes i am alive and i want to remember.’ the opportunity to reflect their emotion back to them is one of the joys of my life… but i am no performer… i have no wish of center stage or deep need of attention.

my abandon is my secret.
my spirit is mine to share.

perceptions of me are escalating and distorting and while i am thankful they are positive, they are still distorted. i am just a person. i have boundaries too…

honey sticks and lizards


bees fumble down leaves as the sun ignites the day. two squirrels, like bandits, creep boldly towards my bag of strawberries. a stamp of the foot and they are sent scampering criss-crossed. blue dragonflies hover over my kneecap and i am grateful for the time alone. faint echoes of birds in treetops get muffled by the rushing river. my tent is perched a few feet from the water, this prime real estate a gift of new friends…

christina and i left los angeles early yesterday, bypassing the weekend traffic in a small car stuffed to the gills with every faerie necessity known to winged-kind. 20 miles off a main road near san diego we found a fruit and veggie stand. blood oranges, string beans, honey sticks… all my main food groups. there was an old man in the shade selling the most obscene wind contraptions… betty boop with spinning legs and other creations… we followed the winding road a bit more and reached our destination, the elysium festival…

the highlight of my weekend was on sunday afternoon… i was standing on the side of the river pondering an adventure when this boy grabbed my hand and in we went…. “let’s be lizards!” “ok!” and we went up the river, low and reptilian, flicking our tongues out in front of us to taste the air. we were like children exploring this new world. we sat on rocks under the full green canopy of wondernature and made forest noises. he taught me about tones and vibrations and our voices echoed off the rushing water. we sat eye level with the current and pushed against it… it was exhilarating…

another highlight was seeing my best friend jen and telling her secrets… so many adventures this weekend, so many photos…. 1500 photos and only 2 days to edit them before i join the true colors tour…. *eeeeeep!*