i am not safe there anymore due to people constantly turning their cameras on me without asking, posting images of me publicly that do not resonate with how i feel, that do not compliment, that often are not even in focus…. it is becoming increasingly intrusive. it is unwelcome. it takes me out of my headspace. it is causing me to decline work at events, to insist on closed-door policies during photo shoots. when i started my business, my intention and promise was that no matter how it grew, that the focus would always remain on those who chose to be in front of my lens, masked characters as subjects in my books… their talents, their performance, their story, their outward wish of capture… not on me myself.
my initial intention, born of protection, based on a glimpse of what was to come, was for a distinct separation between what i do and who i am, of which almost immediately got blurred as things took off… confusion has set in… and with it, a growing feeling of self-protection and desire to disappear when i work, to take myself out of the equation…
i do not want my photograph taken without being asked… i feel a reoccurring, odd emotion of anger as it happens, as if i am there for capture, there and willing. i am not. i do not like it.
at events, when i raise my lens there is always a moment of permission asked. eyes are met and they either sparkle and welcome me, or they are evasive and unreadable. if i do not have this psychic consent i will not take their photo. respect and will above all. dance floors are the exception. when the level of expression is heightened, music moving spirit is permission enough. when i skulk in dance hall shadows, i look for the currents of beauty, comfort and abandon, the ripples that say ‘yes i am alive and i want to remember.’ the opportunity to reflect their emotion back to them is one of the joys of my life… but i am no performer… i have no wish of center stage or deep need of attention.
my abandon is my secret.
my spirit is mine to share.
perceptions of me are escalating and distorting and while i am thankful they are positive, they are still distorted. i am just a person. i have boundaries too…