Monthly Archives: October 2006

a blissful influx

flying home from san francisco after a day of adventures with faern. we walked miles in the cold thru the botanical gardens where flowers and trees entertained us. i purposefully left my camera behind opting instead to point out various sound effects from faerie nature… trumpet flowers, fuschia wonderment akin to skydiving fae just before deploying their parachutes, purple velvet whale flowers, muppet hair vines, pupa faeries burrowed into cocoon pods awaiting the shedding of caterpillar skin in favor of shiny wet new wings. i told faern she was one of them… so many talents in that girl – photography, painting, jewelry ~ waiting for one to emerge and make her shiny and new…

we walked on thru golden gate park, past hippy hill and the cement slide to where people were swing dancing to thriller and time warp, where transvestites rollerskated in unison and dogs pranced in halloween costumes.

lunch at cafe gratitude made me high… a blissful influx of raw foods… i drank some fennel apple juice concoction and the waiter asked me what i am grateful for in the present moment… and so i told him. satisfied, this gentle, happy man moved on to ask others. eating there is always a sf highlight for me. entrees on the menu include titles of ‘i am succulent’, ‘i am flourishing’ to which the server smiles and repeats it back to you ‘you are succulent!’ ‘why THANK you!’~ fun stuff!

the plane races down the runway and takes off… i am blur of take offs and landings… tension now turns to glee as i realize that not only am i going to see brady in 2 hours but i realize now that i have two whole days at home, not one as previously beleived… time to work on photos, celebrate my favorite holiday, kiss my favorite man… and then… europe…

san francisco – burning man headquarters

perched in a window at ‘herbivore’ in san francisco. i swirl a twist of lime and watch people. a grey autumn haze settles in as dusk comes and i think on how san francisco is my bastard stepchild; i’ve seen it in every season and still it is not mine.

my plane landed a few hours ago and i found my way instinctively to the victorian mansion. i climbed the creeky steps, ignored the glare of dead things with flattened skin hanging from old wood and claimed a room by tucking my camera bag in beneath a silk comforter, this time the asian room with gold fans and white lace curtains.

i then boarded a bus to the waterfront where homeless men talked to themselves. two of them overlapped each other in their mental illnesses and a verbal fight took a twist close to my destination… such surreal disalignment… hearing it escalate was like watching two dented orbs fall upwards on stairways. the bus stopped, police were summoned and i just ran.

i made my way to burning man headquarters, hiding my camera under my shirt and walking how my father taught me to walk in new york city; urgent, with purpose. a block long wall of bricks and a door with a sign ‘BURNING MAN’ said i was safe… i pressed a button, the door opened, i ran up the stairs, barged into a meeting, left lipstick smears on andie grace’s cheek, jumped with bex, danced with raspa and met maid marian for the first time. i gave them all presents and as i signed my prints marian gave me the sweetest of compliments by calling my work ‘prolific’. as my prints were spread out on the bored room table all i could do against their praises was remind them that this was all their fault, that to experience burning man is to see free people living their art. i remember my first year thinking i could do that, live free, live my art… and i have… i suppose i’m doing it whether i have perspective on it or not… the people in that office are partly to blame; encouraging and enabling me by creating my yearly playground that resets me, that i leap from into new places….
raspa gave me a tour which turned into a photo shoot in the kitchen with a large metal spoon and afternoon light bouncing off it and his eye. i love that man so! such a muse! we rampaged from office to office and i met people there that i’ve known only by email for years. he showed me storage spaces and the old corkboard used originally to map out the city. he gave me a fuzzy green flower… the temptation to smell it greeted me with prickers into my nose. soft things are not what they seem; a tricky gift from my favorite jester. the office is a virtual museum. burning man shwag thru the years on display in a cyclindrical case. dried rats from different years at the ranch hung up on alters. photos on walls and the stories behind them. i am sparked to add to it, to their story, to be part of their history…

 

resentment

saddened by people that want everything for free, frustrated and heavy hearted. no one seems to understand how hard i work, how many hours i can spend editing just one image, how many days each event and photo shoot takes to edit. i have blisters from shooting, carpal tunnel from editing; i use redbull and foundation to hide the darkness under my eyes in the name of deadlines. i worked two years for free for the community and now that i feel i deserve to be fairly compensated there are some that insist on asking for more. it’s unseemly and wrong. all i want to do is protect my work and be treated fairly. i need an agent… and a lawyer…

exhaustion

this morning i woke up alone in an oversized hotel room and i didn’t know what city i was in. at first i thought i must be in connecticut but that was last month. then i thought i was in london but that will be next month. i crawled to a window and took a peek and was releived to remember i was only an hour away from home, remembering the shoot that ended late last night at the kellogg mansion. i took a bath in the dark… i have never been so exhausted in my life…

a fraction of what i know

sometimes there is a coil within me that tightens just enough so i know it’s there. gone ignored, it strengthens into a blanket of resentment until i make the changes required of me. there are many things i want to do right now… i have books to write, music videos & films to direct, photos to be published… i am only doing a fraction of what i know i should be doing right now. for weeks i’ve been taking hard notice of how i spend my money, my time… of where my energy goes when it is mine to expend, when i have ‘free’ time…. and i realize the truth is that i never do have that ‘free’ time… i am constantly shooting and editing an endless river of incoming images. this must lessen substantially in order for me to thrive in other areas that i need to be as devoted to as photography. i need to make some changes now…

i am progressing quickly. i feel it like a rocket beneath me. there is a clearer perspective now, a deep gratitude that i honor by continuing on my path… my goals do not involve simply surviving anymore…. i want to thrive thru art in a different way now, i want to affect people and experience even more. i have much to do and no endless time is promised.

i crack open my vitamins and ask for water from the flight attendant… i suck on crackers and give up reading my neil gaiman book in favor of breathing in the clouds beyond the plane window. the next few days will be mutaytor shows in oregon and washington, dresden dolls shows in san diego, la and san francisco. i am looking forward to kissing brady, to burrowing into him like home… he is the force within me that is reassuring, wise and gentle… the next few days will be a blur of soundchecks, flights and keeping my coil satiated.

it’s an instinctive pull to tweak and progress, to restructure and call upon dreams… intention is just intention without action and my world now has very few ‘maybe, somedays’…

paying it forward

“I just wanted to send you a huge THANK YOU for last night. It was the single most valuable 5 hours I’ve spent with anyone w/regard to learning along the photobuggery path and I hope to pass that love along to some other photographer/artist down the line. I was driving along this morning just feeling grateful and touched by your no holds barred welcoming (the way you just say “HI!” with a huge hug the second you meet someone), generosity, and open-heartedness. Even more than the photography, I felt I learned a fearlessness, a non-possessiveness about the creative process, a sincere wellwishing of fellow artists along the path. If any muytation was going on with me last night, it was just getting glimpses of what is possible when people are like that with each other. I remember experiencing that a bit the one & only time I went to Burning Man. But in most of life, there is often a mindset of scarcity, of competition. I am happy there are those not living that way.”