Monthly Archives: June 2006

on a flight from kansas city to los angeles

my hair is frizzy and i’m wearing the last of my clean clothes. i’m trying not to think about all that i need to do before i leave for toronto in a few days. i need to hit the ground running… literally. for now i enjoy the space between the clouds… flat land in squares like some simple puzzle.

i am addicted to earplugs. i know this now for certain as i squirm in my seat realizing i left them in my checked luggage. i wear earplugs constantly. i wear them to think.

this morning i was lonely in the hotel room. remnants of mutaynts scattered about. everyone home or on their way home with me left to pick up receipts and forgotten cell phone chargers. pool towels were scattered in corners. bryan left me a half a bottle of rum. there were notes with lists and hearts from crunchy. i worked on images wrapped in starchy hotel bedsheets and then sat outside for my ride from the wakarusa production crew to the airport. the airport was an hour away in missouri. we talked of family, of travel, the festival…

i crave my father’s voice. his sing song way of making me feel ready for anything, centered and calm. traveling so much like this leaves me skiddish and feeling behind… yet open, appreciative and excited… life is happening so fast now. i asked for it. it is here. i am on top of my game. i just need to remind myself to ride each wave as if it were the only wave. the cresting is the exciting part but i must learn to utilize the inevitable… the predicted succession. i am where i need to be and peaks will happen as they are meant to.

i turn off my mind and begin to list of video gear that i need to bring to toronto for the paramount studios shoot. video is an unexercised gear that i shift into. i’ve never taken a proper photography class yet i have a degree in video and i am nervous…

i also need a new place to live… this house that i moved into just a month ago has many unresolvable issues… electrical surges, a poltergeist, plumbing issues… i will look for a one bedroom apartment in burbank, north hollywood or glendale even though i can’t fathom making time for packing and moving again. i feel strongly that i should live alone for a while before brady and i live together…

brady, that sweet amazing man… the one that i kiss in my head every second of the day… i am more in love with him every day. his sense of humor is the antidote to almost any stressed headspace i find myself in. the power of laughter, the freedom to express, to be my true self… to watch him shine in his own creativity, to see his confidence build, to feel our future together coming closer, to feel comfortable now on our path, with my age, with open heart and mind… these are my best years and i am happy brady is the one by my side. a few nights ago we made circles under the full moon in kansas. we spun each other dizzy on the outskirts of festival crowds for hours and when we let go, we ran around laughing in the dizziness only to fall down in the grass making out among lightning bugs and high coarse grass. the emotions build and cannot be contained… we are sick in love! camera mode descends often though and with his blessing and understanding i take to stages to see what trouble i can stir up.

at the flaming lips show i found myself dancing on stage with a dozen santa claus’, nuns, aliens and superheroes. i got some fun crowd shots from the speakers among them and as they jumped, the speakers threatened to hurl me into the pit. a man in an alien costume steadied me. i laughed the entire time on stage. flaming lips is love. it is blissful chaos on that stage. i’ve never experienced anything like that frenzy. wayne is an omnipresent force of guru and inspiration… reality spewed in a way that reaches thousands of people. “enthusiasm can change the world.” he said that night. to which i let my camera fall to my side and hugged this man in my head, this man standing only 10 feet from me invoking the higher selves of a sea of endless people out in front of us. silence fell then and then a song started~ it was met with the fiercest jumping, so fierce i leaped off the speakers into a gust of trusting wind and ran to find brady…

earlier as they were setting up, i told wayne about my dream. he listened intently. i closed my eyes to remember it exactly as it happened. in my dream, he was sitting under a tree giving me a lesson about shoes. there were shoes in a row on a blanket. infant shoes, toddler shoes, adult shoes, glitter boots. the younger shoes were more worn out but he was talking to me about career stages and where i’m at. next scene i’m running to a stage on a hill and i have no shoes on and my camera is on me. i look to my left and matty is there running with me and ‘pictures of matchstick men’ was playing and everyone was rushing. a few days after that dream i was making out my schedule for the next few weeks. i had told matty that i would be sitting out this festival. before i erased it from my calendar though i figured i’d see what i’d be missing and right there in the line up among dozens of bands were the flaming lips and camper van beethoven. the dream made sense then and i knew my place was on the road to kansas to this festival. i thanked wayne for the dream and we hugged. he soon turned into a happy child throwing confetti and smoke everywhere and the show started. besides spinning in the grass with brady and mutaytor playing to a packed ecstatic crowd, that was the highlight of wakarusa for me, sitting with wayne and talking of dreams and purpose…

at 2am saturday night, mutaytor took to the voodoo stage. the crowd absolutely freaked. bryan threw up the six-finger and oceans of people held it up in kind. when roo flew over them, they gasped and screamed. when monica danced, they smoldered. i was high on their reactions, peering out from behind speakers on stage and smiling.

the sky opened up then and a tornado warning was issued. a tornado warning in kansas made the experience complete. dancers ran immediately from the show to the airport leaving just a few of us behind for a day. i left half the bed empty for monica who returned at 7am with a bag of peanuts. i left her my favorite blanket to endure the 2 day drive back home. i opted to fly home last minute when i realized how soon my toronto trip was.
busy lives of choice, a family of love and milestones, of shared dreams and individual action. when i found myself alone in the hotel room this morning, i missed them…

new mexico – on tour with the mutaytor

4pm – in the middle of new mexico… we make a beeline for a fireworks outlet. like hyper kids we race around the store. matty yells ‘5 minutes!’ and it becomes a game. we take photos outside and pile back into the van. “take THAT, watermelons of the world!”

7pm – driving against the slapping of huge raindrops. the dotted lines get blurred by traffic spray. kj and i jump excited at the same bolt of lightning on the horizon of this dark flat land. buck tells stories of manifestos with one side of his headphones pulled back…

driving from los angeles to kansas – on tour with the mutaytor

matty hands out cash at our first food stop. ‘per diem’ turns into ‘carpe per diem’. “what about my imaginary friend!!?” i ask offended… the bumpy highway levels out and our goal is alburquerque for tonight. we listen to brian wilson’s smile and talk about the hurra torpedo show that we’ll be missing. six of us are making this journey. some more will fly in on friday. we each have our own bench in the van. i’ve made a soft nest of blankets and photo magazines. “that you need to lock yourself in a van for two days to get some rest is insane,” brady says and i purr into my pillow. i pop up to sing ‘my favorite vechtaboooos’ to roo who is driving….

7pm
nose to the van window watching america pass by…
18 wheelers, the brightest part of the setting sun.
“i’m a big fan of clouds,” roo says.
“big sky,” kj concurs.
we creep towards the border of new mexico
as the fan fishtails with the weight from the trailer.
flat lush ground, wide open space….

11pm
gas station stops are hilarious. the yocals stare and stare. “where’s buck?” “spawning a brown sewer bass,” matty says loudly and i fall down laughing… the yocals walk away and we all giggle….

loco

today i had a personal training session with a man named ‘loco’ at my new gym. each exercise he tortured me with ended with me insulting his mother. he took my measurements and when my arm is flexed apparently it’s only a quarter inch bigger than when it’s not flexed. loco found this amusing. my new goal now is to beat that muthafucka at an arm wrestle some day… it will happen…

i spend the hours of dawn at the gym and these days of my brief stay at home editing images for dvd covers. hours go by and my legs cramp. my eyes cross. i want them to be perfect. a clothing line might buy the images as well as being featured on a yoga dvd. another is a hoop dvd. my head is swimming in the to-do. i have one more day of home before a two-day roadtrip with mutaynts to bumblefuck where bugs and humidity are promised… my suitcase lies open with one tube of eucalyptus cream in it…

mobile, fluid, surging

nights like this i realize that i am working too much… bouncing between events and cities, it’s easy to get lost in exciting people and performances… i take stock tonight of my the ever-growing callous on my right thumb from shooting, the bumps and bruises, some a few days old in pretty purples and yellows, some fresh in crimson and blue. the adrenaline masks the initial gripping that usually accompanies pain… yesterday while loading costumes and props into my make-shift studio on twin peaks i casually told my model monotone… ‘i… just slammed the door on my hand,’ watching my knuckle reer up with blood and flopping skin… to which she, a holistic doctor, reaches into her car, and puts a tincture of something called ‘trauma’ under my tongue. i hardly felt anything… when my camera is in my hand i don’t feel much else other than moments… it’s like pulses of electricity, a rush, a frenzy… that i can recreate a studio setting in any 11 foot by 11 foot area in any city is a blessing. i am mobile, fluid and surging… inspired by everyone i meet… their stories propel me, told thru movements, dress and gestures~

funny odd things happen every hour it seems… at one end of a day i awake in mike’s house from vau de vire making sounds to instigate their dog, joker, to sing with me, which he happily does… we bellow to the morning sky as shannon runs around amassing tutus and straightjackets for our forest shoot… i sneak in paddles and whipping things into the bag, surprises that they find under the tree… a few minutes ago in j.d.’s house i heard a cat wailing… jd had brought in a cat that looked like one of his absynnians. its howling said he was out of his element. jd picked him up by the scruff of his neck and put him in a room… ‘that is not my cat’ he said and we laughed… i got him addicted to indian pizza this week… him and his friend, may joy… may joy… lol~ he pokes his head in to say goodbye ‘may joy be with you’ he said with palms pressed… and the cat wails on… when they leave, i go to check in on him… i give him water, food and make a litter box for him. he whines a lot… i would too if i were so displaced in a house full of strange beings that looked just like me… i make sympathetic and reassuring sounds as he crawls into my lap… i consider napping… but fight it in favor of getting as many images edited and uploaded before my flight back to l.a. tomorrow morning… i have only 3 days to edit 9,000 images before we’re off to kansas…