Monthly Archives: May 2006

san francisco

jacked up on coffee at muddy waters in san fran watching cigarette smoke ascend benignly against windows. i unsheathe my traveling office from my backpack, upload photos from the xingolati party, sip my coveted liquid chocolate and smile at brady, currently absorbed in a punk rag.

the weekend has been a blur of comfort, sun and photos… brady and i take walks each day to haight street and the castro… our shins still sore from the narrow and steep stairwells on the boat from saturday night. we get side tracked easily by garage sale signs and vintage clothing stores.

last night a rare night of quiet… just me, him, rum and all of san francisco in its twinkling glory below our wrinkled toes from too much hot tubbing… we have the love manor to ourselves…. odd television shows on dwarfism and exploding arms lulled us to an early bedtime on the couch among purring absynnian cats and crusts of indian pizza.

morning found me creeping around downstairs doing laundry only by the light of day, due to the machines’ close proximity to magick rooms, dungeons and other spaces unseen. j.d. is an interesting man… adorning his mansion in naked blue mannequins, disco balls, church pews and gargoyles. the hot tub is always on and the beds are comfort incarnate. i sleep soundly there, the constant purring motor of those delicious cats rich against my thighs…

in love in san francisco

absorbing the view from the tingling warmth of the hot tub…
elbows welcoming the breeze…
old branches heavy with evergreen plush bend like grapes and fern.
i am here with my best friend….
and there is no where we have to be…
“don’t distract me,” i warn him smiling…
his eyes are warm hearts…
his hands, the same…

alchemy & home

at phoenix airport, two hours to kill before my flight back home where a brady picnic of strawberries and grapes awaits me at the batman cave. i am tucked in a corner listening to various people make mother’s day phone calls. i sip on a multivitamin smoothie and lament the popping sound that rendered my laptop potentially useless. i am plagued by odd electrical occurrences lately. my camera seized up in the middle of a shoot last week. two new light bulbs in my room glowed bright, sparked and died within an hour of each other and now my laptop… i have been under a lot of stress lately.. self-made stress of photo shoots unedited and too much travel. i have to schedule in sleep and toe nail clipping.. my sister adrienne reminds me of my own advice “be where you are” and so i stopped yesterday and held her hand and sipped my wine with a weight lifted…

we took a walk in the morning and laid quiet under a pine tree.. it was so painful to be without my camera that i used the camera on my cell phone to snap the view up into the bird-laden treetops. lying next to her, i emailed it to her. tj called then… my first love 17 years ago. he told me he was going thru a process of reliving memories. fresh from a divorce, these things happen. he told me he was spending the day at the amusement park we spent so much time at all those many years ago… i walked him through the experience reminding him that the issues he may think are unresolved are just his way of protecting himself. 17 years ago we were in our primitive heartspaces. loving in such a reactionary way, not knowing what to do with all the pure emotion. that first love was equal, well-met and sacred but not meant to stunt future love.. in fact, just the opposite… when he broke up with me in a shopping center parking lot wanting to experience college girls, i cursed him in my equally primitive alchemy. and so began the korn kurse that my sisters and cousins rely on when love goes wrong. “they always come back” they say with eyebrows and martini glasses raised… it all began with tj… that scorn, those tears, the seal of disappointment sliced open like a worm in science class, all hideous parts dangling and irreversible. i am thankful now for healthier ways of resolving hurts, of all the new experiences since that time with tj… and so last night as my sister slept and i heard the last voice mail from him of the day, where he told me he was at the shore’s edge in thought, i released him… i untethered something inside me and wished him important love and bold happiness…

12pm – i emerge from the endless impersonal hallways of airports in different cities to a beautiful burbank day. B52’s plays overhead and a girl with purple ponyfalls straddles her luggage and winks at me. i am home…

mother’s day

there’s something about being in the presence of my mother that dampens my spirit. her negativity, her search for it in every situation, her judgement and drama. it is a rock that weighs on me, forces me to reckon with it by ignoring her like a puppy that stands by a door begging to be let out, then in, then out just for the attention of it all and not for any clear purpose. we all feel it and we all deal with it in our own ways. upon arriving diana was frantic trying to appease her with different restaurants. fresh from her last final, it was an unpleasant task. walking down the street she makes labourous breathing sounds… only when someone is looking at her… the three heart attacks she’s had due to her poor eating and lifestyle have meant nothing and she’s now back to eating poorly. when i walk seemingly out of earshot, she makes fun of me… my own mother… and over my hair, of all things.. i’ve dyed my hair for the past 17 years… she looks for someone to egg on her negativity but we are all just here for love and celebrating. when my mother is not around, one moment seems to flow more easily into the next moment. we all laugh more and are our own selves. we all accept each other as we are… so why can’t she?

coachella


katie kay
at coachella in a dome with lucent dossier preparing for their last performance of the day. mirrors with peacock feathers adorn the octagon. i shimmy away from stilts, move aside torn tuxedo jackets… added computer metals clang and feathers fall. tinsel fabrics, top hats, sewing machines, ruffles, bass and mayhem outside as stages clash insane. crowds scream, dj’s go wild in the adjacent dome, a jungle oasis, trees and misting apparatuses. steph plays with a sickly and tattered doll and makes me laugh… my eardrums have had enough though. my senses are officially on overload. i am beyond earplugs… i need sleep.. not an option at this point… one more show to shoot… brady breaks down another tent and then we will hopefully drop into a hotel bed where the blessed occurence of nocturnal habit most certainly will occur… for a few hours anyhow…

i crawl into a corner and watch my lucent ones… each of my projects is so very different from the other… keval catches my eye questioningly… “i’m tired…” i whisper to her, gathering feathers up to hide behind… in silent response she opens up her traveling apothecary and puts herbs under my tongue. i snuggle against dream as she introduces me to people as the ‘one that shoots all our shows’… i am a mess at her feet, exhausted and unable to fend off introductions. i just smile and crawl back to my corner…

roger awakens… he is of a maddening court jester with gold paint and a frilly lapel. dancers play with ropes. i follow electrical wires with a pulse of curiousity to check out the images from xara on my computer but exhaustion keeps me tethered to the floor for a few moments longer… headdresses are fastened, stilts are lined up, victorian underwear is adorned… it’s time to rock…


cassidy