Monthly Archives: December 2005

emancipation from my desk job

official last day of warner bros. i’ve somehow miraculously stayed on payroll even though i just showed up to my desk and edited images for the past 6 months… my boss has been a godsend, an angel… without him i would not be doing pixie vision productions… without his advice and leniency… he let me leave for days at a time to shoot shows, revelling in rockstar tales and being such a force in my life… he believed in me when believing in myself and this new direction was just a faint pastel shimmer on the horizon a year ago… “i expect big things from you,” co-workers say, stern fingers shaking in my face, nods and pride… big expectations of my future pivot and crumble and build and wane… i’m at such a crossroads in so many areas of my life at this moment… i must be patient with it… i am scared… from this day forward all of my income is soley from my photography, videography and writing… no cushion, no safety… thankful for my friends that i can call at any hour of the day and talk mad about raw file formats and heart issues, about contracts and confidence… i’d be no where without my friends… without such unconditional support and love… i am a lucky girl… i will work my ass off… last night fishbone, tomorrow night dresden dolls… one step at a time… i can do this… i pay my roommates 3 months rent up front, hold my breath and dive in…

running to a standstill

i dreamt it was spring and i was riding my bicycle thru sprinklers on the street i grew up on…. humidity and rainbow arches… brady was behind me smiling and i was showing him the underbelly of my life… we snuck into the backyard of my childhood home and i whispered stories to him… about how me, sarah & claudia used to play ‘lighthouse’ and how, in autumn each year, my father would rake up a huge leaf pile for us all to jump in… “i used to crawl down low under the leaves and try to make out the sun…” i whispered to him… and then suddenly i was riding alone on my bicycle on the thin, paved secret pathway that leads from my hometown to the ocean… heavy wild trees leaning onto the sun-patched path… smell of springtime and helicopter nature spinning down from branches… i ride fast to the sea, to manasquan inlet… and jen is there… and she’s holding the paper like a scroll, the paper that we wrote on and burned in san diego last month… we sit down and talk and i draw hearts in the sand… a surfer with wet, salty hair runs past me and climbs the dune behind us… thunder feet and sand kicking up onto me… i look back and jen is ripping up the paper staring at me unblinking… she carefully lays down the peices and asks me to take a walk with her. i question the non-jen-esque littering of the cubes of torn paper… “it will disappear when the tide comes in” she said… i hesitated and the sea came up and licked my toes, sending us running inland… i ran up over the dunes and when i looked back, she was gone…

i woke up thinking of the trees on the front lawn of my childhood home… we had this fantastic plum tree… dark purple velvet leaves… i would often arrange and then rearrange rocks in a wide circle around the base of it… dented worm-houses of fruit sometimes fell from that tree and i would set them up between the rocks to let time do its thing… that was the tree we took annual halloween photos under… where i would dress up usually as punky brewster or rainbow bright… brian, my first crush down the street, had a tree house… we would go trick or treating together…. he’s now happily living with his boyfriend a short drive from there… sarah’s pregnant now with her second child… claudia is married with two children as well… devon’s a doctor… danny wears a tie to work… most everyone i grew up with stays close to home, laying roots and building nests…

i sometimes think i’ve gone too far out in the world… to places of seemingly no return… my heart carries both the sacred and the tragic, the blinding shocks that i could’ve avoided staying close to home all this time… the biggest one being living in the middle east, which i am still healing from… i will finish my book about it and be done with it… in recent years since my abusive marraige ended, the mind runs overtime to protect the heart and keep safe the memories that tether it to an unattainable ideal…

i’ve outrun my origin… my family, my hometown… i’ve started new so many times that it’s almost wrong… “be mindful not to make too many unneccessary changes in your life,” a psychic once warned me… a voice that echoes in my head these past few painful weeks… gratitude has been the antidote to this caustic depression… the ideals i sought, the decisions i made, the mind… it all stops now… the heart takes over… time holds suspended and hope burns fierce… what will be, will be…

current music – U2 running to a stand still

‘thorn in paw’ syndrome

i sometimes have ‘thorn in paw’ syndrome where i want so much to fix somebody, to take out the thorns that i forget myself…

i need to feel alone now… i begin to pile my puppets up on the empty pillow beside me but forcefully relocate them. i consider sleeping in the middle of the bed tonight but no… i need to feel this empty space beside me… i will let myself feel all what i am feeling, miss him, release him, feel my own fear of lonliness, experience the quiet and cold. it is the only way to work through it…

i retreat… for the good of both of us… one week of no communication… of realignment… to feel my own heart murmering with echoes of a relationship altered… i chose to stand still, to catch my own breath…