Monthly Archives: November 2005

collaboration and synergy

a few hours before showtime and i hobble up and down stairs at the empire ballroom, a posh venue with chandeliers and rich curtains. stage lights swivel. cowbells are struck. cases are set aside in the name of soundcheck. engineers with backwards baseball caps move about the stage as sound is negotiated. i am always amazed at how small venues seem before the crowds arrive. we lounge on cell phones pre-glitter and enjoy the calm before the storm. vicki sets up the merch table and i pick up an item i hadn’t seen before, the band’s new dvd. the photo i took of them is on the back and it makes me smile. collaborative synergy… that is what this band is to me… even now watching monica practice staff, watching brady set up his kit just right… it inspires me to look more closely at my own tools, to set them up just right… we each spin into our own corners to come together soon and do what we each do individually to further the whole… collaboration… and synergy…

nyc

lying on the floor daniel’s apartment on a seemingless endless weekend in nyc… we philosophize about music, art, genres, comparisons of how we were 10 years ago… his first photoshop attempt, my witchy rampages through the city on my motorized skateboard. back then we drank strawberry milk and took photographs in cemeteries… now we run our own businesses… daniel is big inspiration to me… i leave him with my head swirling about music, computer programs and a sheer creative awe of what he’s created.

last night was a typical new york city evening… brian my sweet photoagent and anthony came out to play… wine inside of an indian restaurant on 6th street, like eating inside of a christmas tree… memory fades around bar #2… i always seem to find myself at korova milk bar (a bar based on clockwork orange)… somehow we ended up at a club where a siouxsie girl stalked me~ a potentially debaucherous evening averted, anthony & i slipped into a fitness center and talked about life… i slept a few hours at daniel’s and walked around nyc like a sponge the next 2 days… curious the disappointment of my birth city. i had ginger tea alone at yaffa cafe. flipped through cds at soundz, bought a dress at trash & vaudeville, tried on patent leather boots, bought a vintage coat at love saves the day…

i cried walking in washington square park… this is not my home anymore…

to be swept up with purpose

i keep an active inner life,
at times entirely separate from
my external actions and behaviors.
there’s an elder well within me
that i listen to…
words and ideas sift through the muck
and bubble up…
it softens me, this inner life…
the well is deeper and louder in recent years,
more so than others…
i hover close to it now,
careful of its breath,
each change within it
absolute and precious…
sometimes i am the catcher of its secrets,
whether by its intention or by circumstance.
other times the well acts as my one true mirror…
beyond perceptions of me,
both from others and from myself
the reflection of endless currents unseen…
‘no beginning and no end’ it seems to say,
and this concept makes me live more…
at certain times in some people’s lives
there is a feeling of picking up where we left off
in another time, another place…
whether it be our work or a love or a project…
we get into the zone…
that swirling rushing swept away,
that focus and intention…
or that WISH to be swept up with purpose,
half way there.
it’s a muscle… a muscle to be acted upon…
in a world where physical life ends,
i wonder about the longevity of these kinds of dreams,
if they follow us through lifetimes…
i wonder just how deep the well…
i relinquish thoughts of origin…

in her own time, her own way

the earthy taste of salted peanuts, the plum heaviness forming in my chest from a glass of wine. i study my sister’s hands as she sleeps, remembering her fingers as newborn petals, her wrist a chubby block… so strange to know someone since conception… i felt her coming and now she’s here and now we grow older.. ideas form about life, love, family, career, each other… life’s pressures are handled and mishandled… sometimes i am reminded that i am older than her and that she is going thru her own stages, her own journey to her own terra firma. and other times i need to put to words how she makes me feel…

the realization comes that we both seem to feel that we are reacting to someone, to someone else’s prompting… but no, it’s our choice how we react, the way we vent our temporary unhappiness. there are many essential things i’ve learned in the 10+ years that i’ve got on her… i look forward to her figuring them out in her own time, her own way…

we sisters return home

i dance giddy in my airplane seat… not just for the music but because my sister is next to me. a tearful long hug at a terminal in our rendesvous point in phoenix airport and a small quarrel is forgotten… good times return and she laughs at my bunny shirt. i sit upside down and we laugh as we pull the same things out of our bags. the same journal… “of ALL the journals in the world!” we say. the same cell phone… “of ALL the cell phones in the world!”. even this nail file thing… “ya ya ya, the set with the cuticle oil and the moisturizer!” we are more alike than we are different… yet each our own person… we fight when we forget that last part. not often, but it does occur…

i listen to a song about mermaids as she hunches over an economics book with a highlighter, my eternal overachiever… photography magazines scatter under my feet. i try not to read them lest i salivate over my new future camera, the canon 5d… we fly fast towards home, piercing the bright morning sky, traversing seasons… from desert to snow, we sisters return home…

making room for what is to come

i move energy when i’m upset… i spend the hours before dawn rearranging my furniture. i talk to no one. i shoot photos and lock myself in my room. i am moving energy…

like a road unwinding, i feel the coming of dormant projects… layers fusing together… i have been so busy with photography and video that i seem to have forgotten my writing.

i am reminded now of magick, of what happens when you are ignoring what you are supposed to be acting upon… last night at 3am feeling kinetic and silent, i watched candlelight lick the spines of my old journals thru a crack in my closet door… exhausted and prickly i wondered what was in those journals, what i needed to know right now from what i’d experienced back then…

this morning i got an email from a publisher that i’d lost contact with… he published my first writing 10 years ago when i was still in art school in nyc…. his brother owned a cafe that i read poetry at often. i remember his encouragement, his belief in me as a writer… that cafe gave me my first confidence in showing people my work… i met many other writers that mirrored my passion for it… he wants to republish my writing, a 10th anniversary edition…

“Your site … full of amazing words about your art and how you view work and life. You were always that way. I will never forget the manuscript that you shared with me and the letter and your explanation of why you sent me the manuscript in the first place.”i am going to nyc in a few days… i will find that cafe… i will think more about all this… how to make room for this… or more likely, watch it unfold…

 

time is all the lens i need

tonight i am useless… i crawled into bed at 4:30pm and stayed there til midnight. i awoke to a quiet foggy street outside my window and a chill… it is the first night in four straight weeks that i did not have a photo shoot. creativity keeps me afloat… i have many shoots to edit but i am sad… i start to add shadows where they don’t belong… images that speak in color, i start to turn them b&w… i shut down the computer and will begin again tomorrow…

i am locked into my future, committed to it, focused… allowed only to make out the fuzzy outlines of what i am certain is there… time is all the lens i need… mind and soul patiently understand this as they put up with the heart’s incessant posturing… i crave comfort, uncertainty…

i walk softly around the house like a hungry mouse too small to open a cupboard… at night i hear trains pass and watch the moon from different windows til it fades over the mountains…. dawn will come soon… i wrap myself in blankets and sneak into my studio…