Monthly Archives: January 2005

jen & i lie in the sun between a perfect tree and a hedonistic drum circle. the beat churns, songs are separated by chanting and flute song. magick is made here. we tap our toes in ascending applause. we become part of curious grounded branches and feel the beat through the ground. the flute is my favorite… horses bob their strong necks on trails between the celebration and the protection of tufts of evergreens on surrounding mountains. trees, reaching skyward, seem to stretch their torsos free to have their shimmy to this jig of sonic life. i stroke the tips of grass blades with my toe and they feel like cat tongues. thoughts, like leaves, sift down through breezeless space and touch our heads begging entrance…

my boss let me leave work early. i drove home in a light drizzle and admired the brightness of new wildflowers in our front yard. some look like faeries with fierce wings pushed back from growing so tall so quickly. speaking of, yesterday marks one full year since leaving my husband and starting this new life. i am sometimes exhausted from the whirlwind. it is good to mark time in measures of success, both emotional and professional. healing has its place too.

i laid in bed with covers up to my nose staring wide-eyed at all my baubles and keepsakes as the sun waned. in every corner is something from or of jen, my best friend, my sunflower, my walking compassion. a check of the time and i feel her board a train in san diego. we have plans to spend the weekend together, just her and i… i clear everything for her… i anticipate her soft purging energy. i look forward to her safety and her smile…

coin-operated excitement!!!

i am very excited about tonight~ dresden dolls in santa barbara… apparently there’s a buzz with the management there about my photos… i’m so thankful~ i’m freakin out! i got roo & brady on the bill to perform tonight… and now bryan wants to be a cracked-out stilt walker clown… management writes… “He’s in, we’re on, you’re down, and everything is looking up! Emily is thrilled you’re going to be shooting. This will be the first time we will have had all the fun and insanity backstage being shot professionally, so we’re all incredibly excited and thankful for you.” …someone pinch me~ YEOUCH!

so…i’m dipping my hand in promoting as well as photographing and organizing performers…fun stuff~ me thinks that the freak following that the dresden dolls have and their sound might be complimentary to the mutaytor beat… mayhaps dresden dolls & mutaytor might be interested in performing together sometime? hmmm… the wheels turn~ matty’s ear is open~ we’ll see what perceptions of tonight bring… jumpjumpjump!!!

there’s a hole in our house… squeaky toys in the trash, food bowls overturned, blood stains still in the grass… i stood outside an empty house for 20 minutes last night before unlocking the front door, and only then with brady’s voice on the line… “this is now the lonliest house…” i told him as i fell into bed, turned off the lights and slept finally… i slept only 6 hours in 3 days this weekend… mourning and parties as distraction and obligation… i did not undress for bed, did not wear earplugs… i just fell into an exhausted sleep and awoke 11 hours later in the same position, my mutaytor bag still on my chest… this morning diane and i met halfway in the hallway with our sleepy faces on… we both wanted to get out of the house early. rich was already long gone… i let her shower first… and then we stood in the living room with tears in our eyes looking at the hole in the room where her bed was…
“what should we do?”
“we need fish… we’ll name them fuzzy head #1 and fuzzy head #2.”
needing something more immediate, we decided to rearrange the furniture right then and there… it didn’t work. we both left for work crying…
at work we all email each other making planz to see a funny movie in rich’s room with his new surround system. i find myself apologizing for the 4th time today of my busy nocturnal schedule… tonight a date, tomorrow shooting the dresden dolls in santa barbara, thursday a shoot… ‘my life is now a circus,’ i tell them and make plans for ‘funny movie night’ on friday if the psychedelic furs flake out on me, if not definately sunday… (is this really my life these days??) rich writes…”It’s exciting to have this much creative energy in the house. I feel that kind of momentum is on the cusp of happening for Diane and myself. We’ll just have to sprinkle pixie dust around the room to complete the energy of the Three of us. If you have enough Pixie dust, maybe it can help heal my heart…” he makes me cry…

PHOTOS FROM A PARTY AT THE FIREPLAYCE ARE HERE

an email that means the world to me…. from dj wolfie… “pixie, your energy, your talent, and most of all your friendship is so precious to me, words cannot describe. my life is so much richer with you in it now, and i just gotta say I LOVE YOU. in addition to how i feel about YOU, i want you to know that YOUR SITE makes me feel like i just got to go to the party AGAIN on monday! im sitting here all tired, rubbing sleep out of my eyes, and here it is in vivid color, captured with the full beauty and emotional impact of the experience itself. it is a priceless priceless gift you give. i almost cried when i saw the picture of jesse, porter and me at the end of our set- that picture is getting printed out, and goes up on my wall, because it so truly captures the love and the friendship. thank you for your gifts. they are beyond value. –wolfie” πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

sleep well, fuzzy head….

our dog died today…

this morning i sat beside her as she laid in her bed and i pet her soft head… she didn’t move, didn’t perk her ears up, nothing… i rubbed her belly, she didn’t roll over… “is that blood?” i asked redcap, my friend from sacremento visiting this weekend… he came to inspect the drop of blood on the floor by her nose… “it’s dry…” he said. i brushed her hair from her eyes and leaned in close to her… her eyes shifted slowly at me… i know that death look well now… i lifted her head… her entire mouth was covered in blood. i ran to wake diane, her mommy… her and rich flew fast to the emergency hospital… after dropping redcap off for a convention today, diane and i found ourselves alone in the house awaiting dusty’s test results… her phone rang… she wrote down words in her writing pad… ‘stopped breathing’ ‘cardiac arrest’… i gathered my keys up… diane and i ran to the hospital… ‘dusty’s owners are here’ the receptionist said with eyebrows raised… the doctor brought us to a room and told us that just two minutes ago dusty had her 2nd cardiac arrest and was on life support… i held diane as she made the decision… ‘if it happens again, don’t revive her…’ he left the room to tell the nurse that… and came back a minute later to tell us that she was gone… diane asked if she could see her. i held her tight… her eyes were open and dialated, her tongue hung out. tubes all in her… it was a devastating scene… we cried hard tears together and as she pet her head in mourning i cut off a lock of hair from her paw. i will make diane a locket of dusty for her to wear… we sat in a room as the doctor talked to us about why… ‘possibly a blood disorder’ ‘clotting’ he said… rich rushed in and we all hugged and cried… we sat with a pamphlet of urns to chose. diane put it down and announced she would scatter her ashes in runyon canyon… we drove home in silence and when we got home, the house was different. i cleaned up the dried blood prints by the back door as rich and diane took turns coming in and then promptly leaving the house to stand outside and try to enter again… i lit a candle and cried myself into a nap… it’s a sad day at canary stables studios…