Monthly Archives: December 2004

i rip off and devour just the chocolate-iced tops from the last tray of cupcakes left over from the party at the smashpad a few nights ago… i made enough cupcakes to sugarify the mutant masses… this being my first sugar meal in days… i’ve been sleeping since my hospital visit on wednesday… quote of the experience = “who do i have to BLOW to get a pain shot around here!!?!!” needless to say, i’m feeling better now… hee hee…. i will sleep most of today and dose up on emergen-C tangerine drink before heading out to sea of dreams…


PHOTOS FROM A PARTY AT THE SMASHPAD, 28 DECEMBER

we awake as we went to sleep… to the sweet sound of hard rain. our bodies, perfect spoons, projecting heat, our arms and legs entwined like dry hot branches. i smile into the nape of his neck as my arm rises and falls in time with his dreaming breath. i pull away slowly to watch the rain through the streetlamp-lit slit in my bedside curtains. my suncatchers hang dormant against the foggy windowpane. there will be no sun for days. winter rains make my garden an inpenetrable cold swamp; my tree, undergoing its necessary death.

i do not wish for fuller seasons. i have successfully outrun winter’s true bite and will endure now its whisper… the new york city deep-freeze is way behind me. the isolation and depression of a winter in black traffic snow and hard subway-rider scowls is gone… i ride out this winter as it is given… i savor its gift of rain this delicious morning, a sweet green-eyed kitten of a purring man beside me, kissing my hands in smiling slumber… what are winters if only reasons to do as creatures do, to awake to the harshness of the elements and to pull tight this downy coat of love’s contentness…

in newark airport next to an incessant escalator. my back to a steel lonely wall. no one but a drunk santa squealing madonna lyrics and a janitor sweeping around me as if i were invisible. it is 20 degrees here…. i have many hours to kill, 2 more planes to catch to head back to los angeles… i call everyone in my cell phone…just cuz i can and i’m bored. i need stories, updates… i’ve been out of the loop for nearly 2 weeks. brady and i gush and mush and talk for an hour… jason gives me his full happy update. i have 17 voice mails to check… i put a pinky in my other ear to drown out squealing santa singing ‘like a virgin’… jen called drunk and homesick and i wish i was with her. brady left me 4 messages while i was gone… ‘love you and miss you’ messages that make me smile… he’s picking me up at the airport… i can’t wait to see him… for now, i rock out to oldies music and send kisses to my nyc friends, so close, yet so far…

our last night in paradise…

“rule number ONE, little girl…” i tell my neice giggling, “we NEVER lie to grandpa!” she and i went swimming in our sunday best tonight. her in a skirt and ice cream high, me in chains, jeans, drunk on champagne and strawberries. she had to sneak past a sleeping grandpa to fetch dry clothes. “slip in quietly… but if he wakes, you tell him the fulltruthandnothingbutthetruthsohelpyougod and… um, blame me i guess….” i gave her my last dry towel, tucked her in and snuck out for more late night shennanegans with new friends…

i spent the day watching flamingos and herrons and flowers pop off vines… they don´t simply fall, they POP! pop rock flower helicopter purr-thingz! i lie very still and let lizards tickle my elbow and scurry past my toes. bees and butterflies in two´s, chirping nightingales… tonight is christmas eve… brady will play his guitar and sing in a club… purrrrrrrr! he also got a job offer and i am very proud of my little punkass YAY! i finished a book today, ´dangerous angels´ the weetzie bat books. makes me miss los angeles…almost… makes me think i should write more. faerie gibberish has a market! lol!

i turn on my side and a small lizard jumps up 2 inches from my face. we stare at each other. he shimmies onto my book and stays there. he is mighty cute…. slurp!

i get lost in daydreams, look back and he is gone… pop goes another flower…

i don´t do lazy well… i am over this place… the resort is too sterile, protected, gluttonous… i want to be out in the jungles with a hatchet and a gorilla on my back, not wasting hours on a lawn chair. i can´t sleep or digest anything properly. i miss brady and am dreading a lonely christmas night from midnight tomorrow til morning at newark airport. as thankful as i am for the family time, nine days is too long for me to be here… i sink down on pillows with fountains all around me and flowers like pink paper hang above me. i want to see how the locals live. i have seen their art, read their history… but i am in a man-made isolation here. two days left… i consider going awol…. pear-shaped women in hot pink sari´s, exotic birds on weathervanes, black geckos hussle paranoid up box-like trellises. swaying shadows on the wick parts of toned palm trees, like strong torsos of island men. pollen falls in my hair. the celestial reflections of a moat against a crisp gazebo pacifies but does not quench my desire to experience the country as it really is… flowers like faerie trumpets bristle out from expertly folded hand towels in our hotel bathroom. the marbled shower can fit 10 people… little boys in birkenstocks pick their speedo wedgies while heading to the buffet. i watch spanish MTV and CNN in the early morning hours in my insomnia… stories of soldiers coming home for christmas and their awaiting families make me cry… images of 32-inch snowfalls and -30 degree windchills make me feel like running outside here naked. my father teaches us that the world is a playground…

when my mind slows down, when i blink, regroup (as was my intention coming on this trip) what i feel and see for my immediate future is the same as when i am living in chains of events. conclusion being that i do not need a break. i do not need anything… i have things to do, projects to throw myself into that i love and have always wanted to opportunity to do. all i ever wanted was concentration and balance… i have that now… i want to get back to my life…

sunrise… parrots in a chinese pagoda squawk and preen themselves. i am wrapped in soft blankets on the balcony where our bathing suits are drying from yesterday. my back is sunburned. the sun breaks on the horizon sending celebratory shrieking from captive feathers. music wafts over the resort, a strong oboe sound like morning. it centers me, forces me to purge thoughts of the past. i am where i am and i am happier than last year. i have shed ignorant layers, recovered from wasted energy. i wouldn´t change where i am right now for anything. my new year´s resolution is to give pixie vision productions wings, to shape my website, start up my own company. now is the time and i will meet it. no one will distract me… everyone in my life now encourages it and i am thankful. three more days of paradise… just what i needed… time now for the sea… i am starfish…i grow back what i lose…


today i was a mermaid… we took a speedboat to catalina island near la romana and snorkeled the whole day. we awoke at dawn… while everyone put on damp bathing suits, i grabbed my camera and captured sunrise… an explosion of color filled the morning sky… we met up with a group of snorkelers and scuba divers in bahayibe and took two speedboats out. the boat operators were daredevils that danced as they navigated the waters, zooming into each other´s wakes. my sisters and i seemed to be the only people enjoying the high speed antics, screaming and falling onto each other as the front of the boat came out of the water and slammed down sending white water into our faces… and the other gripped oxygen tanks in fear. yee haw!

the boats anchored 50 feet off-shore and alexis, di and i jumped in… dad over-prepared as renee stayed on the boat. she´d never been snorkeling. under the waves, i turned undine… my hearing turned sonar… a school of electric blue fish surrounded me and gave off clicking sounds of protection. i hung suspended on the surface of the water and they came up close making me dizzy and filling me with awe. they circled half way round me, and then all at once, shifted to the other direction, completing the circle. i felt protected and free to explore… i took off to deeper water and saw fish i´d never seen before… all the while the clicking crew followed me. i turned around often and they would scatter and soon reconvene at my heels. they bumped into my hips and ankles, soft flecks, mermaid flicker familiars welcoming me back to familiar places… the sand turned whiter and the sun brighter and when i emerged to adjust my mask, i found that i was far from the boat. renee still sat there on the boat in fear. i swam double-time to her determined to share the wonderland. “c´mon killah, in you go… i´ll teach you…” she hesitantly got into the water. i adjusted her snorkel and mask. she held onto the boat until she got used to breathing… “long slow breaths,” i told her… “now, look into the water…” and that´s all she needed and she was off like a pro… for two minutes… until she panicked… i noticed my electric friends were no where to be found. she didn´t belong in the water. trust was not met half-way. she panicked more, breathing fast, losing energy… i tried to get her back to the boat but she freaked out… just before she went under i grabbed her and took in water holding her up screaming for dad who threw a life jacket to a guide who came to save the day… she made it to the boat with much drama and i just swam deep scanning the water for magick… we then sped around the island and threw towels onto the sand in the shade, talking for 2 hours about growing up…