Monthly Archives: October 2004

nothing like a sunday morning slamming motorcycles into bmw’s

brady & i slept 3 hours and then head down to long beach listening to the animaniacs to this office that this guy david wanted me to decorate with my photos. david’s a divorced business man who stays up all night as a writer. he has an office in a complex with a landscaped creek running thru it… we strategized photo sizes and content and then he asked me if i wanted to take the mini-motorcycle out for a spin. “oh hell yeah!” he didn’t tell me all the workings of the machine. just a smiling warning not to slam it into his BMW. i jumped on it, round and round a few times and WHAM into his BMW… over the curb into a tree, tires still spinning, adrenoline pumping… “the brakes weren’t working,” i said before speeding home…

my bruises….

how vampires say i love you…

high on a quick visit from brady before he works at the haunted house tonight as some cracked out zombie. “un-undead yourself before you come back here to snuggle,” i warned and he said he’d shower at his place before his return to the living. i cooked him dinner tonight. he brought the salad & cupcakes with bats on them. we hadn’t seen each other since monday and oh, his smile… we laugh oceans… i’m crazy about him! we ate apples with honey and drank wine by the blue light strung in the branches above my bed… he hissed fang-like at me, practicing for the evening i imagine. ‘this is how vampires say i love you…’ lol!

a full day of laughter today… work was hysterical… for our office halloween party, my boss & i dressed up as each other. he just cracks me up endless! what a great team we are! i made him wear my boa and wings but he refused to wear glitter! lol~ we won the funniest costume award. one of the judges afterwards confided that they initially wanted to give us all 3 awards, funniest, scariest and most original. we all got to bail at 4pm…. i have the best job ever!

me (left) and marc, my boss (right)



music of angst,
heavy autumn rain,
dressed in soft robes and erratic ponytails,
haste to remove obscurities,
impatience to begin a new project,
technology works against me,
pushes me to push away
and retreat to doldrums of pulsing gravity.
comfort… time passes…
i jump into people’s worlds…
feel their vibrant stagnation,
bully it to the cleansing or the boiling point
and shrink away til words are simply mirrors…
lanterns sway above in breathing,
rain makes music like soft windchimes,
i ride its windowpane cresting,
lost in the distraction,
unable to focus…
my compass is set to comfort,
to soft purring kitten creature longing.
my eyes ablaze in words, memory, composition…
i burrow deeper in down.
shawn calls from the road,
tells me of his time in nyc…
convorsation diverted to rock candy…
and then cut short, his battery spent…
rain falls harder now, rhythmic.
warmer temperatures would beckon an open window
but i shrink from the cold,
a reminder of the east coast winters
that i ignorantly endured all those years.
heavy eyes, dry lips,
curiousity in the darkness
as my candle dwindles…
my favorite veil-thinning holiday nears…
i think of brady as we carved pumpkins last night in his living room,
lost in stencils and seeds…

yesterday brady & i went to BodyWorlds at California Science Center to see plastic dead people!!! real plastic dead people!!! i poked one… brady did too… i had seen this when i was in austria in 1999 when it was a morbid underground circus, complete with fetuses in jars, spinning on a carousel but now it’s all science’d out.

i snuck a camera in… mwa ha ha! pixie stealth morbid curiousisist~


i… guess i’m going home for thanksgiving… oy~


living in the moment…

a new journal… the cover says “this lifetime of yours… does it blossom? is it fun? does it glow at the center like a miniature sun? does it find its own meaning in the great scheme of things? is there joy in it? beauty? does your life have wings?” i open it, turn the first page, smoothe out the middle, crack back the cover for the first time. a fresh, new, stark, blank journal opened like a fizzing soda can. it has been a week since i have written. my thoughts and introspection have solely been wrapped up around my camera lens & a new love… i have pushed the veils closed and silent for tonight though… in silence comes alignment. in blissful quiet i reach frantic for my purple pen.

i am tucked content into my purple seashell chair listening to a song on a mix from danny with a crescendo of a repeated verse of “…i need you so much closer…” guitar and beats that settle deep within me… quiet… today i thought about tj, tsafi, my mother, england, motherhood, and books that i wish i had time to read, people i wish i had time to see… i am two steps now into a busy life that i love but i do not like the feeling of being unavailable, rushed… that i do not live this way for the sake of distraction makes the temporary sacrifice of time wishfully spent not so upsetting. i am connected now, in a good place. holding my own. being inspired and having opportunities to express it is a fluid, brilliant feeling. i feel love in brady’s eyes. i feel effort, fear, wishes, hesitancy, excitement, laughter, doubt, sweetness and kindness in his embrace… we flicker outside the lines, tip each other’s scales… we play and then revert to saved… our hurt from past loves is intense, mine in recent pain, his cumulatively. our pain is on our surfaces like rain on new shoes. it drips down bulbous over something strong because it’s new but leaves water marks that seem to fade with movement… but not entirely. we move in new love, new experience, anticipating the other’s needs of assurance, humor and comfort… love as an experience has taught us not to trust this happiness… he holds back more than i ever could… he has more opaque layers than i. he shifts into and out of his physical karma, suffering migraines and various debilitating temporary illnesses. our kindnesses seem to rarely have been appreciated, nevermind reciprocated in past loves, and we sometimes smile and thank each other for simple considerations… and we laugh oceans, we laugh a lot…. from having dinner in the rain at a restaurant where i made the waitstaff sing him happy bday, when it wasn’t his bday at all, to being in target and commenting how domesticated we are, only to have him rebel hysterically at this statement and claim he’s a wild animal while pretending to knock over things in anarchy… we revert to quiet talk of meditation and lose ourselves in kisses and dreamtime… all in all, this is a curious, happy, semi-caustic time and i am ever grateful that brady is in my life…

at this point in my life, i finally have balance… and therefore hope… i can remember almost every moment of my life from being three-years-old sucking lazily on a bottle of apple juice late at night wide-eyed in the dark of my holly hobbie house made out of printed cardboard in my bedroom in brooklyn after my father patiently put me to bed three times, carrying me up the stairs, my head bouncing on his strong shoulder… up until now, here, surrounded in my amethyst purple world, boxes of photographs, stacks of books and music, a world i created, called my Adulthood.

i can now see clearly splinters of roads ahead that i squint anxiously at to make them merge, however blurry … i cannot make out the weather ahead.. just a road i follow… many things are promised… i know i will be a mother somewhere down that untapped road… writing and photography will linger… and further on, at some abrupt or willed crossroads, i will shoot straight up to the sky, done with this body… these things, among others are the only things i feel deeply that are promised to me… everything else is a mystery… i find comfort in this despite it’s counter-permanence of which i am obsessed. but for now, road signs and maps are obscured.. i am old enough now to live responsibly in my curiousity, to meet it with moderation.. this is how i am able to call myself an Adult… i am not a helpless little girl sucking a bottle dry in the dark awake without cause… i have things to do, people to learn from, one foot to put in front of the other… and bottles to replenish~

(Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie)

the atlantic was born today and i’ll tell you how:
the clouds above opened up and let it out.
i was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
when the water filled every hole.
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
making islands where no island should go.
those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door
have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
i need you so much closer…
i need you so much closer…

one people company is now featuring my work~ yyyyyaaaaay! (click that link to learn more about one people… they are one inspirational group of musicians and artists and i’m so excited to work with them! click on ‘artists’ to see my page, last one under ‘north america’). i’ll be shooting a documentary of them in ojai soon~

last night i did a photo shoot with karis in his downtown loft…
he’s one sexy bitch! we had such a great time~ these are my favorites from the shoot…


Subject: good god Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004
“you have a talent for pictures that is absolutely amazing. i work with dp’s on film sets that take hours lighting sets that dont even come close to what you get out of a snapshot in unlit situations. just incredible. thank you for the phenominal pictures. —wolfie

from MethodMan – “Mutaytor only looks better than that live. You kick ass with a viewfinder. Thank you so much for doing an awesome job recording what was an amazing nite for me and so many others. The talent and performance that is Mutaytor is so hard to explain… hell it’s hard to believe, but with the pics you got people can understand what I mean when I say “holy fucking shit!” Crrrrraaaazy fucking dragon that came out of Brady’s mouth. WOW! It may be a ‘P’ to you but it’s a kick ass demon to me. anyhow… how well do I know you??? Your face and personality haunt my thoughts but I can’t keep you still in reality. I’m assuming that you’re real but I wouldn’t bet on it. I kind of like you this way, it’s mystical. I’ve chosen to place you in never never land in my mind. I guess you just fit well there. I think you may be one of the amazing spirits in my life today, I hope so. Thanks again for being you and sharing that with us.”