deborah bent over the dying fire pit. A spider crawling in tealight shadow. I am having the most amazing day with deborah. “you crazy log. How could you do this to a mother?!” she cries over the smoke.
spent a surreal day today, wasting most of the day in theoretical thoughts unworthy of breath before action…
diana went to long island today to a prom and her friend, julie from arizona was here visiting. i made chocolate chip banana pancakes and learned a trick to make the chocolate swirl…hot water to mix the batter up…funfun.
julie read an agatha christie novel while we listened loud to simon & garfunkel. she slept while tsafi and i chatted online for hours about how we get along day to day. i downloaded the new dreamweaver program and made us a lunch of tuna with onions, paprika and lettuce with chips and cranberry juice. we sat on a purple mexican blanket and talked about friendships.
after lunch we had a creative hour where she used markers and crayons to draw on cards and i finished a dream catcher. we drove just before sunset to the beach taking only backroads. i showed her my favorite tree. i parallel parked after only one failed attempt and we ate ice cream while walking along the shore’s edge. the waves broke strong and travelled unpredictably fast, soaking the bottom part of her skirt and her reflexology sandals. she would later slam them against a wood fence by sand dunes and tell her mother on the phone how very strange it is to not have the sun set on the water.
julie likes rainbows and smiley faces. she is relaxed, easy going and doesn’t find it necessary to make decisions. she says she never gets bored. she’s lived in tucson all her life but wants to break free…her hair is a dirty blonde with light blonde edges. she keeps them in loose hippy braids shoulder length and wears colorful skirts that she says never get washed. her pride & joy is a black sweater with a wide rainbow across it. she is big into happiness but has a code of non -communication when she gets in a bad mood. we went on a ride at the boardwalk and got dizzy. i tried a new flavor of blow pop that made my tongue blue and we stopped by sarah’s castle house on our way home.
today i rode my bike to the ocean to wave at israel. i carried my bike to the shore’s edge, propped it on a seashell, took off my shoes and socks and dove in. the water was cold but reassuring. i stood still as tiny crabs walked past my toes and black muscle shells swayed with the undertow. i couldn’t find not one beautiful shell and certainly no heart-shaped rocks like there are in israel everytime tsafi and i go. the waves stung me but i floated when past them and took it all in and in one quick motion said goodbye to the atlantic, throwing back ugly seashells and not looking back. i got stopped by the gestappo beach patrol. i didn’t have a beach pass and my bike wasn’t allowed. i told them i’m from israel and in israel we don’t have to pay to enjoy our beaches. the parking lot was being patrolled by traffic cops and there are signs with rules everywhere. camping on the beach at beit yanai flashed through my mind and i smiled. could i be missing israel? maybe just two aspects of it….tsafi…the sea. tsafi (has love, will travel) but that mediteranean… no where in the world like it. so now i sit in my sports bra and underwear on a bench with my clothes hung on dune vegetation waiting for them to dry. i leave in 2 weeks from tomorrow.
i love the town of manasquan. i always wanted to be one of those families with the surfboard out on the porch and a rock garden as my front lawn where i walked everywhere barefoot and my anklet gave me a tan line. where i would take my kids in a red flyer wagon to the park after we made sand castles at twilight….
in a high-roofed wood cabin watching a thunderstorm ravage the marina and make rivers out of the observation decks. when rain drops hit my shoulders i quickened my pace on the bicycle trail. when a lightning bolt hit a tree 20 feet away from me, i saw a brilliant white ball of fire and then i took off blazing, pushing uphill against the rain, eventually ending up here with caked-on mud all over me and dad’s cannondale. i would describe the white ball of lightning like a vietnam story to this adventurist couple taking refuge with me watching the rain.
earlier on the trail today i saw many fleeing cardinals. their red tail feathers darting into caverns of swelling branches. i saw 3 old men with binoculars all standing around a bench, no one sitting on it, quietly standing still watching pelicans. the panicked frenzy of random chipmunks that crossed my path today made me smile. i even saw one come out of what was previously thought to be a snake hole….or maybe it was just a chipmunk falling prey into the snake’s trap…
spent the day laughing…belly sore even… diana and i cooked lasagna and made him a cake and made salad. not in that order. with green pepper slices i spelled out ‘dad’ on top of the lasagna. diana and i have been laughing silly all day. from my teradactal laugh as we plaed slime volleyball to how she turns her head to her right shoulder and bangs the table when she laughs. we were at the point where we were laughing about how we were laughing and now i’m in bed trying to calm down but i’m still gigglin. we were even chasing each other around the house. her hiding my favorite comb and me opening her expensive face cleanser letting it drip. she quickly came around to her senses. dad told us ‘some of us are trying to sleeeeep!’ and we calmed down like scolded monkeys. i wish i was tired but i’m not so i will read ‘little birds’.
yesterday i saw a flower hung by spider silk from a tree. today i pass that same flower and it is not only wilted, but dry. today is my father’s birthday. i left a card on his steering wheel and diana and i will make him dinner tonight. but for now i am on the trail on mile 7 out of 15…sweat dripping from my temples, simon & garfunkel singing of america in my ears. i have no other thoughts now except of tsafi clearly in front of me…
sitting crosslegged on a wooden bridge on the bike trail that winds around the manasquan reservior. plumes in brooks. birds surface in my stillness and create a circus spectacle, twisting and dipping into trees and weaving hyper stories around this bridge. people come and they hide away only to resurface. irridescent black birds with bright orange lapels…tsafi and south america are foremost in my thoughts today…
it’s all over now. peter murphy is going bald. but ah, to be a smiling face in a swooning crowd and to lie in bed later with ringing ears satiated. tonight peter murphy played his last show of his latest tour. it was a really incredible show! he did covers of two david bowie songs ‘major tom’ and ‘5 years’. he did 4 encores and was very silly, saying in a taco bell chiwawa voice ‘if you do it again, i’ll fucking keeell you gringo.’ he looked amazing for the finale. wearing a black boa and chasing his assistant around who played a guitar solo on a cover song. he latest cd has alot of middle eastern influences. must pick it up. my ears are still ringing. i saw anthony and margaret tonight. also ran into lenore, who marc in high school cheated on me with. it was great to see anthony and his girlfriend/mother of his daughter, margaret. they gave me good advice on having kids. they are thinking of having another. they said they haven’t gone out since november…eeeeeek!
at the shark river park in neptune, nj with my dad, neice and nephew. i am struggling with the concept of family and how much of having a healthy future family relates to one’s upbringing. because i see my family very clearly now. i see the strength of passive resistance and of how much unconditional love, understanding and patience from my father influences us to be who we really are. we have strange juxtapositions in our famiy though. i am really confused about the concept of family. why do people have children? more and more i am seeing my father as this buddha. nothing shakes him up too bad. he smiles at everything and knows how to have fun. he is hardly ever impatient. when some people are standing around dumbfounded over putting together a volleyball net, he is first to help. when hyper kids of all races hover over the tire swing, he organizes who goes first and then gives each group of children rides. he’s been doing that for a half an hour already actually…
when the only bathroom in site is a ripe porto-potty, he makes do with what’s there.
i am sore and sleepy around my eyes today. i crave tsafi… i like how he thinks. if we can form a respectful alliance we can do anything. i am sure of this. we both have the motivation for a strong foundation. if i could just roll with the punches, like dad does, my life would be alot less stressful…tsafi has begun telling everyone we are moving to california. he sounds excited to leave israel, and that feeling is quite contagious!
there is a cold humidity here at the park. no breeze, just sticky wet earth and puddles from yesterday’s rain. the ground and air are alive with insects and my toes are cold.
i wish i had more compassion for stupid people but i just don’t. i have problems to repeat myself more than 3 times. how to buddhist monks deal with stupidity, i wonder? ah… they have month-long silences. i have problems with authority too. i feel threatened by it. if only to acquire the missing link..patience..i have none. must work on that.
thong progress report – – – hate them! permanent wedgies! what a concept! yeah, it sure feels nice to have butt skin on the fabric of my pants but the tender chafing and public squirming influence this thong-tryer to give them a huge thumbs down. i bought 4 of them though and am determined to get my money’s worth. i am on day 2. i’ll give it 2 more days trying and then victoria’s secret can blow me!